


Eavesdropping for Idiots

by supergreak



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Board Games, Brotherhood, Card Games, Eavesdropping, Episode Tag, F/F, F/M, Family, Gen, Humor, M/M, Parenthood, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-12
Updated: 2011-10-12
Packaged: 2017-10-24 13:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supergreak/pseuds/supergreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The walls in the Hudmel house are very, very thin.  Finn and Kurt try to make this "brothers" thing work in the midst of the New Directions drama.   Four conversations overhead, from just prior to 301(The Purple Piano Project) to right after 303(Asian F).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eavesdropping for Idiots

# I

Friday Night was for family dinners, but after the dishes were done, their parents exiled them to “kitchen or bedrooms, boys” and took control of the remote for _American Pickers_ or some other lame show.  Finn and Kurt cleaned off the kitchen table for games.    It started over the summer, games of Monopoly and Railbaron that would start on a Friday and last for a week, downsizing to shorter games once football camp started and Finn started falling asleep at the table.  Kurt‘s picks took strategy- Egizia, Hand and Foot, Settlers of Catan.  Tonight was Finn’s night, though, and he went for a classic- Phase Ten.  Unlike Uno or Poker, you could play it with two people without it being lame, and involved enough luck that Finn had a chance at winning. 

While Kurt was laying down his run of 7- four through ten- Finn sighed for the third time. 

“Seriously, what is it, Finn?”  Kurt discarded and looked up expectedly.  

Kurt started shuffling for the next round while Finn continued.  "So, like, every time we make out and I get, you know, excited, she freaks out.  She'll be sitting in my lap, in these tiny little skirts and everything, but if I react to her being all sexy, she acts like it's something disgusting.  Do you freak out when Blaine…"

"Pops a boner?"  Kurt rolled his eyes, looking up from the cards he was dealing.  "How do you know that it's not Blaine freaking out?  Have you forgotten that I am, in fact, a boy, with all the same equipment?"

Finn ducked his head.  "Oh.  Sorry.  Bad assumption?"  He picked up the stack of the cards for something to do with his hands.  Awkward conversations went _so much easier_ when playing cards.  You didn’t have to make eye contact, and it filled those weird silent bits. 

"Bad assumption."  Kurt confirmed, nodding.  "But you're missing the point.  We're both boys, which means we both have dicks.  Nobody 'freaks out' upon confirmation of that fact; it's actually kind of hot, to know something I'm doing gets that kind of reaction.  Rachel's a girl.  She's got different parts, and _your_ parts are probably scary to her, ergo, freaking out."  He looked back down at his cards, feeling a blush coming on, and discarded a three.   It was always a gamble, being frank with Finn.  On one hand, dancing around a topic just confused him, on the other hand, super embarrassing. 

Finn drew a card from the stack.  Kurt could practically _see_ the wheels turning in his head.  "Wait, that means…if nobody's the girl, saying to slow down…are you guys _having sex?"_

"Oh, my Gaga.  No, okay?"  Kurt slapped his cards down, staring Finn down.  "For your information, neither Blaine nor I are particularly interested in losing our respective virginities in the backseat of a car, or at a house where a brother or our parents could come home at any time, or in a sleazy motel with Santana Lopez.  All right?  We have a bit more dignity that that, and our relationship is stable enough without sex that I'm not worried about losing him if I don't 'put out', to put it in your heteronormative terms.  And he isn't worried about that either.  So we've decided, mutually, that we won't be having sex until we have a place of our own.  No parents, roommates, siblings, or cops to interrupt.  That way, it can be a happy memory for both of us."

Finn looked a little grossed out, a little embarrassed, and mostly confused.  "Wait, two guys are willingly deciding not to have sex?"

That earned him another eye roll.  "For our emotional stability and sanity and the strength of our relationship, yes.  I believe it's worth the wait."

Finn stared at the table, stared at his cards, played his next move.  Still not looking at Kurt, he asked, "And by 'no sex', you mean what?"

Now it was Kurt's turn to blush.  More than he had been before.  "Pants stay on; hands stay out of pants, and no intentional orgasms."

Finn laughed at the burst of words, before leaning back and staring dreamily at the ceiling.  "Wow.  If I could get that kind of arrangement with Rachel, I'd be in _heaven_.  She only lets me get to second base if she wants something, and, like, _none_ of my orgasms are intentional."

"So I've heard."  Kurt drawled sardonically.  "From Quinn and Rachel and Santana and also your mother, when she does your laundry."

"Hey, be nice!"  Finn threw a pretzel at him.  "But, hey, as someone with a healthier non-sex life than I have, have any advice?  Not that it's the same, because Rachel's a chick and also really high-maintenance…"

"Like I'm not?  But okay...I can give you a few ideas to try?  I make no promises, though, because your girlfriend is batshit insane and therefore unpredictable.  But…okay, well, have you tried letting her take the lead from time to time?  You know Rachel Berry likes to be in control of _everything_.”

Their conversation soon devolved into bickering and insults between the two brothers, who worked through moments of ignorance and TMI and old grudges through gloating over cards and chips as projectile weapons and stealing each other’s M&Ms.  It wasn’t traditional by any means, but for them, it was family.

****

In the living room, Carole tried her hardest not to laugh out loud.  Burt was just...conflicted.  “I kind of just want to erase the last five minutes of memory.  I don’t know whether to be upset that they’ve gone far enough to set limits on sex, proud and happy that they’re mature enough to set reasonable limits for themselves, relieved that they’re not having sex until they’re graduated at the least, _thank you Jesus_ , or just amused by that entire conversation.  God, Carole, our kids are weird.”

“Well, at least yours didn’t lose his virginity to a lesbian cheerleader at a motel.  I mean, can you get any more cliché?”

Burt looked at her sharply.  “Do we actually know for a fact that she’s a lesbian?  I mean, I hear the rumors too, but Kurt tells me over and over not to assume anything about orientation, and...” He ran a hand through his hair.  “I don’t want to be one of those kinds of hicks.”

Carole’s face softened.  “Hon, you know how thin these walls are.  The first time she came to ‘game night’, which is the cutest cover for a PFLAG group I’ve ever seen, I could hear every word of their discussion, her and Kurt and that other boy.  Why do you think I moved date night to Sundays?”

“Oh.  Well, that makes sense.”  They sat still for a moment, listening to the laughter of their sons in the kitchen.  “Hey, does this mean that I don’t have to enforce the Open Door Rule for Blaine anymore?  Kurt’s pretty damn stubborn, so if he says they’re not gonna have sex until they move out, it’s not gonna happen.”

Carole smiled at him.  “I think that would be good for the two of them.  Finn told me that they don’t even feel comfortable holding hands at school, much less kissing, because they might get beat up.  It’s not fair, the inequality of it, but we can’t do much more than give them a safe place to be together.  But I think, at least for Finn, we should keep the policy going.  I don’t want a repeat of sophomore year, and I definitely don’t want Hiram Berry coming after Finn with a shotgun.”

Burt snorted at the image of the shorter, slighter, Jewish Mr. Berry, from whom Rachel inherited her penchant for drama, coming after _anyone_ with a shotgun.  Knives, now those were a definite possibility.

 

# II

Burt stood in the garage, keys in hand.  He’d heard voices in the house and hesitated before going in, so he listened at the door to make sure he wasn’t interrupting anything personal.

Someone sniffed.  “Why am I even _here_ , Hummel?”

“Because you normally only cry on Britt’s shoulder, and she’s too involved in this?”

“That’s what I get for falling in love with my best friend.”  The girl sighed dramatically.

“Yep.  Also, what you get for getting thrown out of Glee.  While I think that Schuester was wrong for kicking you out, especially as it was Q who threw the cigarette, it pits you against Britt. Any, and that can’t make the…life of a lovelorn lesbian any simpler.”

“I know, right?”  She- it must be that Santana girl- sniffled again.  “Sorry for using Blaine like that.  When he called, wanting me to get the band together to surprise you, I just…I saw an opportunity to keep Coach happy.  Don’t get me wrong, the hobbit’s a blast to sing with, but that wasn’t my focus.  Sue- she _knows_ , Kurt, and she’s not above blackmail.”

His son made a sympathetic sound.  “Why do you think I didn’t rejoin the Cheerios?  She wants me back; she needs me after last year, but she’s more vicious than ever this year.”

“You don’t have to tell _me_.  So what should I do?”

“Wait a week, and then re-swear loyalty to Glee, in secret.  Schue’s a homophobic asshole, but at least he usually doesn’t put our lives or permanent records in danger.  Brittany will understand- she’s under the same pressure you are.  And now, Santana, you’re going to go wash off that that smudged mascara and touch up your makeup while I start on dinner.  You’re welcome to stay if you don’t want to go home; you know you’re safe here.  Bathroom’s downstairs.”

Burt took two steps back and stomped back towards the door, opening it loudly and calling out.  “I’m home.  Anyone here?”

Kurt looked at him, speaking low as he picked up the crumpled tissues from the couch.  “Nice try, Dad, but I heard your engine ten minutes ago.  Santana does _not_ need to know your heard that, okay?  She’s scared enough of coming out as it is.”

“Yeah, I got that.  Can I do anything about that coach of hers?  Same crazy lady as before, right?”  Burt dropped his keys and wallet on the hutch and followed Kurt into the kitchen. 

Kurt shook his head.  “Unfortunately, no.  The only hold Sue has on her is the blackmail, so the only way for Santana to be free is to come out on her own terms.  And we all know that’s not going to happen any time soon.”  He took the marinating chicken out of the fridge while Burt filled up the pot with water for the pasta.

“That’s a shame.  Hey, so what’s this song Blaine sang for you?”

Kurt put the chicken in the oven, twisting the timer before leaning against the counter and sighing dramatically, hand over his heart.  “It was _so_ romantic, Dad.  Tom Jones' _It’s Not Unusual_ , in the middle of the quad at lunch.  He somehow got the jazz band _and_ the Cheerios to back him up, on his very first day at McKinley, though in retrospect, that was clearly Santana’s influence.  I got serenaded and he had a blast and everyone loved it…and then Quinn lit the purple piano on fire.  Blaine just looked shocked, but it’s still the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to me.”  He sighed again before turning to the fridge in search of vegetables.

Seeing Kurt happy like this made dealing with all the high school drama and singing drama and boyfriend drama worth it for Burt.  He just wished that Kurt’s mother could be here, to see him in the flush of first love.  He loved Carole, but Elizabeth would have been so proud of their young man, standing in his kitchen.  And it was definitely Kurt’s kitchen, Burt reflected with a chuckle as he was conscripted into peeling carrots as Kurt did something with onions, singing to himself.  _It’s not unusual, to be loved by anyone_. 

# III

“I got it!”  Finn called when the doorbell rang.  Kurt was slouching at his desk, clicking absently at FreeCell while he procrastinated on thinking about the play, the election, his English essay.  He could hear an indistinct Rachel-Noise from the front door, and groaned.  Finn’s voice came through the floor clearly. 

 _Congratulations, I guess._

More indistinct murmurs, pitched high and piercing.

 _So you were double-cast, and you think Mercedes was better?  So why didn’t you give up the part?_

 _The spotlight’s always been important for you.  So now that you’ve got it, are you going to pull out of the Student Council race?_

 _Don’t, Rachel.  Just don’t._

 _Because if you give me that kind of ultimatum, who do you think will win?_

 _There’s no “of course” to it, Rachel.  Girlfriend doesn’t mean much, not when you don’t have a purpose behind running, not when you’ve said you’re leaving me for New York and never coming back, and not over someone who’s always been loyal to me, even when I was an asshole._

 _Yeah, he’s leaving for New York, too.  But you and I?  You’re breaking up with me when you leave, if not sooner.  Brothers don’t break up.  Brothers are forever.  Especially Kurt, who took time to hear me whine about_ you _when he was two hours away at Dalton, and hangs out with my friends doesn’t try to change me and forgives me.  Kurt’s a better man than I am, a braver man than I am, and the best brother I could ever hope to have, and I’d be honored to have him as Senior Class President._

 _And he’s doing something_ good _with his campaign, Rach, to protect kids like him from kids like I used to be, to make McKinley a safer place for all those freshmen and sophomores who don’t fit in.  He’s making a difference, just by running and taking a stand, not just in the senior class but the whole school.  You’re trying to polish up your resum_ _é.  So if you give me the “Me or Kurt” ultimatum, you’re going to lose.  Because I love you, but I love him too and I believe in what he’s doing._

 _No, Rachel, I don’t think I’ll change my mind._

 

When the door slammed, the entire house shook.  Kurt waited to hear Rachel’s engine start before walking in.  Finn was still leaning against the door, eyes closed and shoulders slumped. 

Kurt stood hesitantly in the door frame.  “You know, the walls of this house are old and really thin.”

Finn didn’t look up.  “Yeah, I know.  Rachel wasn’t the only one who needed to hear that.”

Kurt blinked a couple of times.  When he spoke, his voice was rough.  “I’m going to hug you now, okay?”  He strode over to Finn, who turned and met him halfway and squeezed Kurt back in those orangutan arms of his.  They stood there by the door, faces pressed into each other’s shoulders and grasping at jackets and just holding on to each other.

*******

In the kitchen, Burt and Carole held hands.  Later, they would pretend that they weren’t just on the other side of the door, and the boys would pretend the last ten minutes never happened.  But right now, they were just _so freaking proud_ of their sons. 

 

# IV

“That’s a wood, brick, wheat, sheep, that gets me a settlement there…and I’m done.” 

Finn rolled the dice.  “Five, five, five…not a five.  Seven?”

Kurt groaned and handed over his last card as Finn moved the robber onto his best number.

“And that gets me enough to buy a city upgrade.  Oh, yeah, oh yeah.  Okay, you have any wheat?”

“You took my _last card_.”  Kurt said disdainfully as he glared across the table. 

“Oh, right.  Okay…” He heard a thud from upstairs.  “What was that?”  He asked. 

Kurt shook his head as they head another thud, then a moan and- _Oh, Burt_.

Finn’s eyes went wide.  _No way._

“Let’s finish this later.” Kurt’s voice went high and squeaky as he stood up.

“Yes.” Finn pushed his chair back, grabbing his jacket from the back.  “Let’s take a nice long walk.”

They booked it out the back door and made it all the way around the house to the driveway before Kurt bent at the waist, giggling.  “Oh, my gaga.  I never needed to hear that, ever.”

Finn started laughing, too.  “This never happened.”  He choked out.

“Agreed.”  They looked back at the house before shuddering in unison.

“Finn, it’s a lovely night.  Would you care to escort me around the block a time or two?” Kurt buttoned up his jacket against the brisk October wind. 

Finn knelt to tie the shoes he’d grabbed on his way out the door.  “Why don’t we just go get dinner or something?  I’m starving.”

Kurt sighed.  “My keys are on the kitchen counter, and I am _not_ going back in there.” 

Finn stared at the front door before shaking his head to clear it. “In that case, I would be delighted to escort you around the neighborhood on such a beautiful night as this.” He extended his right arm like Rachel had taught him to do, and Kurt hooked his own on it with a grin.  “Let’s go see Halloween decorations, brother mine.  I hear old Mrs. Thornton has some epic pumpkins this year.” 

Kurt regaled him with distracting tales of the neighborhood as they walked arm in arm into the autumn sunset.

**Author's Note:**

> The "game night" Carole refers to is a whole 'nother story.  
> Feedback is always appreciated! Let me know if something works or doesn't work. Especially my characterizations.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Ga(y)me Night](https://archiveofourown.org/works/275425) by [supergreak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/supergreak/pseuds/supergreak)




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